I thought about not even going, but I wanted to take advantage of the international lounge access, and I thought at a minimum I would just run and see what they had to offer at the LAX President’s Club. So I rang the doorbell and got buzzed in. Upon walking in, the old lady at the front desk immediately said ‘the bar just closed and the lounge closes in 7 minutes,’ so I said ‘that’s okay, I just want to check it out…’ and she looked disgusted and just stared at me. About 30 seconds later she was like ‘really, for 7 minutes?’ and I replied ‘yes please’ and handed her my ticket. ‘Enjoy your 7 minutes.’
Hmm – so not a great start, and not such a nice way to welcome a Business Class passenger… but whatever, I had some positive energy so I wasn’t going to let some old bag spoil my time. So I checked out the lounge, nothing special – but at least I grabbed 3 bags of chips and some granola bars from the snack area before heading to the gate.
The COPA gate at LAX is pretty hood. I think there are about 20 seats, and there is a bootleg COPA sign, and they share the gate with Spirit and another no-name airline (Sun Country maybe?). Also, the agents didn’t even use a microphone, they just screamed out ‘boarding Business Class!’ We even had a mic when I worked at Eastwind Airlines in the Trenton Airport with Cheryl back in 1999! So I get on the plane, and of course my carry on bag didn’t fit into the overhead, so I pretty much had to repack the whole thing in the aisle, and now I was holding up the whole boarding process! Finally I repacked everything and made it to my seat, and who was sitting next to me but the drunk guy that was holding up the security line!
So I said to him “Hi, I’m sitting in there” and he didn’t even get up from his seat, I had to climb over him. The flight attendant came by after and introduced himself to us, and asked how we were doing, and the drunk said something in Spanish (which I thought was weird since he was super white looking and wearing a US Marines cap) – and the flight attendant just looked puzzled and scratched his head. Then he repeated it, and then he said ‘I said, please put a bullet in my head.’ And the flight attendant didn’t know what to say, so he replied ‘oh my, not on the plane, Sir.’ Haha – I was in for an interesting flight. Still, even with everything going wrong tonight – I was still pretty happy – the plane was brand new and one of the first planes with the new Boeing Sky Interior (plane of the future), and I was in Business Class on my way to somewhere completely new!
Luckily after take off the drunk took a few pills along with 2 Bloody Mary’s, and was passed out within 20 minutes. The flight attendant tried to wake him up for the snack, but this guy was too far-gone. I slept for most of the night, and I woke up somewhere over Guatemala when they were about to serve us breakfast. The drunk was still passed out but he woke up when I got my breakfast. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a $20 bill, and called the flight attendant over. He handed it to him and said ‘keep the drinks coming!’ And after about 3 more Bloody Mary’s the guy starts talking to me. He ends up telling me how he is from Texas but has lived in Panama for the past 6 years since it’s a tax haven – he is the heir to a fortune from a clothing manufacturer that was big in the 1940s. Now him and most of his siblings live in Panama and he has a farm there and sits on the board of some philanthropic organization. He was talking about all his money (strange) and he asked where I was going so I told him Sao Paulo. He got pretty excited and said he would explain to me how things work in South America. He told me once I got there to tell the hotel I need to get set up with a ‘bed partner’! He said they’d teach me the language, cook for me, clean, and keep me warm at night! He said refuse to pay more than $8 a day. He said if you pay more they’ll get too attached. He told me he does it everywhere he goes! I said ‘even in LA’ and he said ‘even in LA!’ At this point I knew this guy was a kook, but I just played into his bagger for fun. He then went on to tell me he rides a mule around his farm and keeps a machete to keep his employees scared. He said two of them owe him $12,000, and that he was going to cut their heads off if they didn’t pay soon – then we both laughed… Pretty sick, haha! The plane couldn’t touch down fast enough, but when it did, he gave me his business card, and he told me to call him next time I’m in Panama and he’ll make sure he takes care of me. I looked at the card, and said ‘thanks Greg, good talking to you’ and thought to myself not in a million years!
This was one of my most awkward/ scary in flight conversations ever – but overall it made for an interesting time, and the flight service was pretty bomb too – good job COPA! Next it was time for my 7.5 hour flight from Panama to Sao Paulo, I could only imagine if it would be as interesting...
